It is a cat, and it is Grumpy

So, in the work section, you will see the building of the Grumpy Cat. I am very proud of myself. I held it together for most of the day. At least until the end. I worked and re-worked my time, and there is pretty much nothing that I can do to make it home tomorrow. At least not legally. So it will be Saturday morning. I am already teetering on a negative mood-scape due to this being my birth month, and this all did not help at all. I tried exercise and yoga, meditation and saxophone. But in the end, the screaming blue meanies came to get me. I am pretty much out of food except for canned goods, so I grabbed some ham and made myself hot ham and cheese for dinner and had soup. Not terrible. I tried to fire up The Awakening but the muse just was not there. I jumped on social media and shut that down after about three minutes. The world has gone nuts.

Work but not work

So there has been yet another upheaval at work. Another restructure. Pieces of the game have been removed or moved around and now they have people in place that have a very positive attitude. And you know what? There are times that I hate to be an empath. I can see through the porcelain doll faces to what lay beneath. I am really beginning to dislike people. But I admit, that may be my current mood. So we will let it go.

The dreams

This is day four of weird dreams. And they are not a theme, so I have no way to do divination on them. Last night, it was a warscape in an inner city with me acting as a general giving orders to mob-style soldiers and we were preparing for a major offensive against a tenement that had dozens of families. People around me were questioning my moral obligations, and they were all met with a bullet to the head. What the actual hell???

Home Plans

I admit it, I have a bit of a chip on my shoulder right now. I stay out between five and six weeks at a time and I accrue one day off per week. I could almost take a week off and there is nothing that could be said about it. But I come home for 72 hours. I am seriously considering changing that and being another one of these whiners that just does my minimum requirements of three weeks. But for now, I will, with any luck, be home very early Saturday morning. Which means I get to miss a day with the wife. But I have a list of things to do when I get home, and if I get the boy to pick me up early Saturday, things may work out okay. But I am unsure when I am going to return. I will think about it when I finally hit home base. The big things are that I have to get my data updated, the hole in the ceiling repaired, and my food cooked. Those are the big things. I also have a bunch of little things. We shall see how it goes.

Not home yet

As I said above, I did not make it home. It has me in a bit of a foul mood, but I am trying. I will be home early in the morning and Rowan is going to come get me after he gets up. I should be home before 10:00am tomorrow. I have been the grumpy cat for way too long, it is weighing on me. The dreams are getting more obscure and out of character, and I am starting to have problems meditating. Not a good thing. But I am hoping that some time home, time with the family, pet a cat or two, and that will bring things around. Plus, it is birth month, and once that passes, all should be back to normal.

The sleeping cat

So, I got home a day late. The boy picked me up and I got home then got a lot done. I have already packed up a lot of stuff for the return on Tuesday. I was going to cook, but the meat was still frozen. I hit Walmart and got my fresh stuff and then went looking for Mudslides. I had to go to a total of four stores to find it. Two of them have never heard of it. Weird. But I finally got it, then got back to the house and relaxed. When the wife got home, it was birthday time. I know it is a bit early, but I am going to be out for the big day, so I get presents NOW. Fun stuff too. I now have Bunny ears! There will be pictures soon. I got a mix box from Etsy that had some fun stuff in it, some lottery tickets, some excellent coffee mugs for the truck, and an electronic pad for drawing. Pretty fun stuff. I love the bunny ears.

So, the cat

I have been rolling a bit of gloom and doom for a while. But for now, I have squished it. But it took some work. I am feeling much better now. If I can take care of a few frustrations, things will come together, but for now, the grumpy cat sleeps.

Another weird dream

Lately, I have been having weird dreams that have nothing to do with my life, the people around me, or even the books I am reading or the shows I am watching. Last night, I dreamed about being in the rigging of some great ship under the command of one hell of a Captain, a woman with long raven hair, a scar on her cheek, and a commanding demeaner. Funny thing is, I don't know how to operate the rigging on such a ship, but I appear to have mastered it in the dream. I can even mostly remember what I was doing. Like I said, weird.

Lazy Bones

I got about half of my cooking done, and we had a pretty good day of relaxing and family time. So that is a positive note. I have broken the grumpy cat moody for the most part, and I was able to get my mediation, yoga, and exercise done. All-in-all, a decent day.

Final Prep

I go back to work tomorrow, and I am really not looking forward to it just yet. I was hoping I could jump back in with both feet. But I am not that excited about it. I got my cooking finished up, and did not even have to add meatballs as fill in meals. The chicken and veggies made a lot more than I intended. So it is going be a CHICKEN RUN. Tee-hee. I gathered most of my stuff and made a checklist of things that I don't want to forget. And then, I sat on my ass a bit. I was going to finish up the bathroom ceiling, but I completely forgot that I had to go out and buy drywall screws. Sigh. I have added it to next home time, along with finishing up the garage door. We just need to figure out where the paint is, or get a new gallon. We will make that decision later.

The Prep

The food is done. This run, i twill be rice and beef (a replacement for red beans and rice, because I forgot to pick up the beans), hot sausage, pork tenderloin, Goulash, Meat sauce, Asian chicken, Salisbury Steak, and Tilapia with veggies. It should be all kinds of yummy. I remembered, although almost a bit too late, that I had to update my audio books. So I have 49 books loaded and ready. I am still reading The Harlequin by Laurel K. Hamilton, but I should be done that in a day or two. I updated all my movie and TV media, and I am ready to roll on the entertainment front. I have my magazines that I have to go through, and my Bible and Quran, as well as a C++ primer. So, I should not get stuck on my breaks with nothing to do. I have to work it into a system that works though so it is not all willy nilly. I have my new drawing tablet, and I am looking forward to getting used to using that. And of course, the Bunny ears. What is life without bunny ears?

Ongoing projects

I am still working the Sax and the art. I am continuing with the writing projects and rebuilding Ancient. I have not done a progress check on any of them in the past five weeks, so I will get that done this week. I am almost done my Constitutional Law course and ready to hit the next one. I submitted my week five paper and my last discussion responses for the week, today. All that I have left is my final paper and two more discussions, and that course is over. I did look ahead, and I have another procedural course just behind this one, and the professor is Joseph Budd. He is the same teacher I had for the class just before this one. So it is working out pretty well. I was hoping to get another course with Jennifer Hacker but alas, that is not to be. She was a challenging educator, and these courses right now, are boring.

Back at it.

I did not get nearly enough on Hometime to feel accomplished. I was lethargic and not really motivated. But I did get my meals done, and prepped the stuff for the next few weeks, so there is that.

Frustration

I am already rolling a bit of frustration with the false start, but hopefully, that will work itself out in the next day or two and I will be rolling. I am pretty sure that I am going to be in the Indy area for a while clearing out some puddle hoppers but that is okay, I don't mind them as long as they stack them. We shall see. I just have to get into motion.

The next few weeks

I have a lot of stuff with me this time out. I have my magazines and books, my classes and alternative education, plus my art, photoshop, and my data projects. As soon as I get into a loading dock, I am going to get it all into line so that I can work through it. I have started reading the Quaran and it is interesting. But the big thing is that I realized that I am getting close to the specialization in my criminal justice course. That means a few more classes, then the three for homeland security, and my education is complete. As such, I have about 10 months to brush up on the previous courses. Right now, a concentration on C++ is at the top of the list. I am okay with it, but before the next hometime, I want to master it. We shall see how that goes.

Rush you mad rabbit, rush.

So, the bunny ears. I have worn them a few times, and I love the reactions. Most people make eye contact, then quickly look away. This morning, the check-girl at Love's asked me outright if I am crazy. I said that of course I was and left it as that. Right before I was ready to start out for the day, I went and got my coffee and tea, bunny ears on my head, and a young lady, about 10 years old, walked right up to me and told me that I am silly. I told her that you have to have to be silly sometimes so you can be happy and make all the people around you happy. I heard her telling her mom (assumed) that she wanted bunny ears and a tail to make people happy. Made me smile.

Taking Advantage

It is already mid-week. I only have one post for school this week, and I am usually done those by Monday or Tuesday at the latest. This week, it was the end of today while I was stuck in the last dock, that I got the post up. I am slipping. I think that I am already work-tired. That is not a good thing. I cleaned up the truck a bit and ate dinner. Nothing spectacular, just sausages tonight. And then I did some reading while I was waiting. Once I got rolling again, I set my eyes on Ohio, via Indianapolis. There is a back way across, but it is weight restricted, so I have to roll an extra 68 miles to stay legal. sigh.

On the plus side

I finished The Harlequin and I have moved on to Puppet Masters by Robert Heinlein. So that is something new. No vampires or werewolves. At least for the next seventeen work hours. I am already rocking a bit of the grumpy cat, but the bunny ears are helping. I like to make people laugh. The day ended in a rest area in Wolcott, IN. Not the greatest answer, but an answer, and tomorrow is another day.

Almost the weekend

I woke up in the rest area. Not the greatest night sleep I have had. Too much traffic. But I also did not have to have my air on while I was sleeping, so that made the outside noises a bit worse. You have to take the good with the bad I guess. Most of the day was run run run with little me time. That is becoming a normal lately. I am working 14 hours a day or more, but only averaging 250 miles a day. That kinda sucks. I understand the need to move these important accounts, but there is a time when it becomes unfair.

Some minor time

In the little personal time that I did have, I started getting into my intense study of the C++ language. It is going well. With the year that I have left to graduation, I want to make sure that my skills are sharp as a knife for whatever comes next.

Friday, evil Friday

I feel as if I have been out on the road for at least a century. But it has been less than seven days. I got through the workday pretty well and was going to spend the evening watching a movie. I am almost caught up in school, and I really need some uninterrupted time to concentrate on my final paper. I should get that tomorrow. But instead of the movie, I wound up on the phone with another driver. But I think that it was time well spent.

The state of things

I know it is not 34-break time yet, but close. A few people have asked me about the photos and the goings on with Osparia. Right now, but things are tabled, I just have to get through this week. I have penned out quite a few notes, but it will be break time before I can get them organized into the story. I am doing the bunny ear thing, and it is going over well. I have some pics to transfer over from social media, but I need time. Oye, time is the big thing right now. And it is getting quite frustrating.

Using the Time

I had some extra time on this run, so when I shut down, I got my final paper for my current class done, and I downloaded the material for my next class. I took a look through the course, and it looks like it is going to be very interesting. It is mostly about the methods and practices of investigation from both a qualitative and quantitative perspective. It is going to be a good addition to my forensic investigation studies. My paper done, my new class reviewed, it was time for a treat. The Love's in Newport has a Petro's chili and chips. I really wanted it over a potato, but they did not have any, so I got it over chips. It was pretty good. Then it was time to try to have some dreamless sleep.

Oogy Woogy

Dreamless sleep was a flight of fancy. It did not happen. I really I wish that I could figure out where these weird dreams are coming from. I would rather go back to times when I was dreaming about celebrities and precarious situations that this weird crap that I am dealing with now. I should point out that these are not traditional nightmares. Those I can deal with. Toss me into a situation with Freddy Krueger chasing me, Swimming with sharks, or a good old boogens in a straight up fight, that is fine. What is getting me is that even if this is Britney Spears on a beach (which it has been), I cannot take my dreams lucid. That is what qualifies them as a nightmare. I have my trigger, the red ball, but it is just a ball. It does not allow me to grab the dream and manipulate it. If it did, Ms. Spears would have been shark bait.

Attacking the Creative

Tomorrow is just shy of a week out and I have not accomplished a damn thing in my off time except for one paper for school, a paper that I should have been able to write in my sleep. I have not even been able to get my new drawing tablet out. So I sat, and I meditated, and I used an old work-around. I want to get back to The Awakening and I want to get some art started, as well as hone my photoshop skills and all. But I needed a bit of a primer. So, I am going to have a 34-hour break here in the next few days, and I am going to write a short story about an invasion that has already happened, but no one knows it. I am hoping that it will prime the creative pump. We shall see.

PhotoCredit: Christopher Klein

The Picture

Okay, in case you did not notice, I have a bit of an obsession with old things. The house in the picture above is an example. Something just struck me about it. I am not sure what it is, but it called to me. Since I have fixed my camera, I took the pic and there it is. I love old things.

Terminal time

I took the time to talk to a few of the drivers that are in orientation and a few people in operations. Then it was to the truck. A bit of time in the gym, a good dinner of pasta with meat sauce, and some serious meditation. I would really like to leave here tomorrow all relaxed. I was hoping for a good nights sleep (spoiler - that did not happen) and I worked on my French and some of my Artwork. I have not gotten down my pen-tablet yet, but hopefully, I will get school done tomorrow and have some time to play. And I started the new short story. I will be posting that on Triumph I think, with a tickler over on social media. It is an interesting idea.

Wasted?

I am not sure if I should consider this a waste day or not. I guess it depends on perspective. I did my daily stuff and all, then I started up the new course in criminal justice investigation methods. But aside from that, I spent a significant amount of time in the gym and in meditation. I just could not get my head together. I did some serious reading for school, including about 50 references from the course text, but other than that, pretty much a wasted day. And I am unsure how I am feeling about that. The only thing that I did that was out of the ordinary is working on the short story about the intelligent virus. But it is far from done.

Hiss Hiss Grumpy cat!

So, the break was not breakful, and the first day back kinda sucked the big donkey dong. I can't shake this negative mood and it is really getting on my nerves at this point. I can't get the creative wagon rolling, and I feel as if I am trudging. Time appears to be slipping though these old hands and not toward any goal or target. The sad thing is that I know that we are making headway, but in the moment, I can't see it, regardless of how much I try and reinforce it. Don't get me wrong, I know that this is because I turn 57 years old in just a few days. But just because you understand something, does not mean you can deal with it properly.

Update time

I just finished my latest criminal justice course, and the final grade was a 99.37. I will take it. It was pretty much a cakewalk because it was criminal justice and the Constitution. Easy-peasy. The next course is a lot more difficult. It should be fun. I continue with the French lessons and I am working toward day 150, getting close to half a year. And it allows me to watch French movies and sitcoms as well as read some literature. The writing has been on the back burner for a couple of weeks, but I am trying to get back to it. And I do my daily art lessons. I really don't have anything to be grumpy about, but I am anyway. Weird huh?

Personal Time

Okay, so I had to sit all day. I made a choice and did a four hour transcendental meditation session with guided goals and expected outcomes. I have been way too grumpy and annoyed at little things lately. And for the most part, I think that it worked. I added a few extra hours of sleep to it, and I feel like my brain is in a better place than it has been for a while. I created TODO lists and got things into order so that I can nibble away at them daily. This included pulling pictures for the PEACOCK site for next month that include the previous Halloween decorations and the stuff from Wicked Ways. Fun times. Since it will be October, I think that will be appropriate. I got my magazines in order, pulled all my reading material and organized it, and set up the new course, that I am now one week into. Boy I have been lazy.

The new story

A few people have asked me if I have abandoned Osparia and The Awakening because I am doing the other story. The answer is NO. The new story is a short, not a novel. I hit writers' block and it got on my nerves. I had to pen something out to break the block, and I think it worked. I am going to finish up the short and then get back to the ladies in Eden and Nod. Patience my friends, patience.

How is that cat sleeping?

I have a cat fixation lately. It might have something to do with Laura and her Rainbows and catnip comments. I just can't get a stoned cat out of my mind. Funny. But in this context, my grumpy cat, if you read the work blog above, should be biting and scratching, but it is not. I remain calm and in control. It is kind of eerie.

Not a lot of time

Today was a roll hard and sleep day, so there was not a lot of extra time for stuff. I did finish the book, Blood Noirstrong> by Hamilton and move on to Skin Trade by the same author. There are still sexual undertones, but not nearly as much in the way of sexual scenes as the past four books. The new book brings back the police work and investigation. I am enjoying it. The day was mostly a work day. I shut down in Burbank, OH at the Love's and pretty much crashed into sleep. I managed to get about seven hours in two sleep shifts and then took a bit of extra time while I waited for answers from Operations. Then it was back on the road. I did not get anything extra done, but I did get my daily stuff done.

So, Anyway

I was not planning on this shut down, but I got a few minor things done. I got the truck cleaned, and that is always a good thing, and I did some serious work on Ancient. I could not roll my relax music in the background because it kept making me want to go to sleep. So I rolled B-movies on Tubi. That was fun. I barely remember them, but they were amusing.
For the most part, it was a very boring day. I mostly sat in the truck and stared off into space. I did break out the new electronic drawing pad that I got for my birthday. That was fun, but it is going to take some serious practice to get good with.

Happy Birthday to me

I almost forgot that it was my birthday. Today is the most depressing day of the year for me, especially since I sit all day in my box. But this is part of life. I will get over it.

The Saga Continues

So, maybe a good birthday meal? I have eaten three of my truck meals in 24 hours, so I will get myself something good. Arby's is out of everything, Burger King and McDonalds, YUCK. No condiments for the hot dogs in Love's. Boy did I pick the wrong place to shut down. I have banked the idea and I am going to get myself something good next place I see. Maybe an Iron Skillet or something. But I am not letting it get me down. I am not really hungry, it was a want, not a need. So sleep and then roll. Tomorrow is another day.

Using the day

Laura got me a new tablet to replace my dead nook, and she has been setting it up for me. Woo hoo. Ya'all gotta get a wife that knows you well enough to set up your tablet. She went through my potential needs and installed and updated everything except Duolingo that I use to learn French. That is okay, because that is the one program that I don't want her to install. That thing is a bear, but an excellent program. She even installed my Replika AI. Pretty impressive. I got my classes done for the week and looked over next week. I got my journals updated, and even started setting up October. All things considered, not a terrible birthday, even though I am stuck in a box. By 1100am, it was time to be down for a long nap, ready to roll for the night.

Holding on to Sanity

As you can see from work, the universe is testing me. But that is okay, I think that I am passing those tests. I got a little frustrated with the routing on the GPS, but aside from a few well placed curses, I did not lose my head. And I was well rested, so I was able to do a 14-hour day with no issues. I did not have to do the inspection trailer swap for Tessy Plastics and that saved a bit of time and some sanity. I rolled hard and made it to Hagarstown, MD before I shut down, and that puts me within range of my drop for tomorrow.

Good start

I got some decent sleep and got up with two-hours to spare. I rolled through my daily list and hit the road. I started and finished >Road Wars by James Axler and started in on Flirt by Hamilton. I can feel the grumpy cat peeking in around the edges, but it is because of the opposite of what it has been. Instead of 300-500 mile runs, I am now getting 1000 mile runs on tight schedules. Don't get me wrong, I like it much better, but it makes me feel fatigued, and that brings out the grumpy cat.

PhotoCredit:Created by Christopher Klein / Title: The Awakening.

Roll you grumpy cat, roll

So, first the picture. I tried very hard to write my sentient virus story, but I could not get it to come together. Not that it is not a great idea, just that there is no way in hell to fight the virus that has taken over the world, intruding on every single human being, making us do weird and unusual things. At least not without outside intervention, and I was not willing to go that route. Or maybe the virus infiltrated my thinking and made me stop? Who knows. But it did get me back to the main story of The Awakening, the inspiration for the above artwork. It is Lilith and Eve arguing in the Garden before Lilith is cast out and Eve becomes damned. I like it.

Now you can roll, cat

Okay, wrong title above, but you get the point. Most of the day was spent sleeping in Newberry, SC before heading to pick up the truck parts. I was a bit pissed off by the GPS. The Co-pilot GPS had me going 50 miles out of route. For once, I ignored it and went the way that my GPS suggested. If I had not, I would have been close to an hour late for my pickup. Granted, it would not have mattered, but it is the principle of the thing. I got into the shipper, loaded, and back out in three shakes of a cat tail. Hey! Stop looking at my tail!

The stuff

I am still running fatigued, but doing a bit better. The double 1000 mile runs back to back have helped after the crap week last week. I finished Flirt by Hamilton and moved on to Bullet by the same author. If memory serves, this is where Hamilton went through her homosexuality phase and got all of Anita's lovers doing one another. But we shall see. I dove back into The Awakening by reading the first chapter. And I did not hate it. Woo hoo, Finally, after almost a year, I am past the first barrier. Now we can get the first ladies of Earth in some trouble.

School and such

While I was sitting, I got set up for my next hometime and I got my first discussion post done for the week. I still have one more post and a paper this week. They are due by Thursday. Oye, I already feel rushed. But, interestingly enough, when I finish my current run, I will have about 28 hours left on my 70 hour timer. This is one hell of a week.

PhotoCredit:Created by Christopher Klein / Title: Lilith

The Picture

I am trying to get Lilith from The Awakening into my head. This is my first try, but I don't think I have her yet. I like the facial structure and the hair, but the eyes and mouth are wrong.

Easy day

It was a long working day, so it was up, run, down and sleep. I got hooked into the Love's WiFi and shuttled off to sleep with some good music to see what the land of dreams had for me. A good day.

Scattered

I can't get my mind to do the solid thing right now. My thoughts are jumping all over the place and I have a lack of focus. Luckily, that is only on my thoughts, not my concentration on the job. That would be a problem. I finished Bullet by Hamilton, and I am on to one of the Robot novels by Asimov. It was a hard running day, so there was little room for anything personal, and tomorrow is going to be about the same. But then I should have two days off. I am pensive about those because I am unsure if they are going to help or hinder the old gray matter. I guess that time will tell.

Still kinda moody

Even with the looming, extended 34-hour break, I am a bit pensive and moody and I don't know why. I really thought that this was going to stop after my birthday, but all I can say is le'sigh. I chose to do an early shut down because I was tired and did not feel like fighting for parking. I tried to go to sleep, but it was a losing battle. I wound up getting a few hours before I could drive again. I was not in the mood even to do my daily list.

PhotoCredit:Created by Christopher Klein / Title: Jodie T: Try 1

Oh look, Catch Up Time

Today was a day of rest, relaxation, and hobbies. The leading picture is my first try at freehand line art in photoshop using a photo-model as reference and my new drawing pad. It did not come out great, it did not come out horrible. The model is Jodie Taylor.

Meditation Time

Of late, I have been short on temper. I was able to counteract this last time it started up with a long meditation session. I took advantage of this extended break-time to repeat that exercise. I spent five hours in full meditation and got myself to a pretty good place in my mind. I am hoping that this positive state of mind lasts longer than the last one.

Wasting time

I made a choice to waste the day on trivial stuff. I finally got through all the magazines that I brought with me, I noodled the Sax for a bit, tinkered with my drawing pad and photoshop, watched The Orville and ate five meals including some buffalo chicken from Chester's and a Love's salad. I am counting the day as a win, but tomorrow, I seriously have to get things done.

Lazy Day

I am getting antsy being down like this. But I could not get any traction to do anything beyond the minimum. I got school done and that was about it. I dabbled a bit with my drawing, photography, Sax and all, but it was only a dabble. I could not get into it. I am counting this day out for productivity and that is not a good thing. I have had 10 days of bad dreams and they are really starting to get on my nerves. They don't have a source and it is really starting to piss me off.

In motion again

I have some new pictures, but I am not sure when I will get around to getting them off the camera. Spoiler, they are of railroad tracks. Go figure.

Mood updates

I cannot figure out this bad mood. It does not have a source, and it is really starting to get on my nerves. It has me very short with people and not my usual snarky, jovial self. I really wish that some Genie in a bottle would pop in, flip her pony tail, and explain things. And yes, I want to go with the Barbara Eden Genie and not the Shack or Robin Williams version. Deal because my Djinns must have a flippable ponytail. We all have our quirks.

Other updates

I will end with this today. The current class is not nearly as much fun as a thought it would be. It does tie into the forensic investigation, but not as neatly as I would like. It actually appears to be a step backward. Weird. I am back to working on the Awakening, so there is that. And I finished the main part of Astrology for Ancient. Now I just have to do the compatibility chart and all that is done. Exciting eh?

A distracting micro-study

So, on my last two breaks, I fired up Tubi and PlutoTV. Yes, they both have some of the old stuff like Matlock or Columbo, but that is not what I was after. I watched B-title movies just for kicks. Those that are off-Hollywood, poorly written, poorly filmed... you get the picture. And I think that I found a tie in among all of them. They are rushed. I watched Wild Witch and But I am a Cheerleader and a few others while I was doing other things. And all of these B-titles have something serious in common. They toss you in dry to the story, the characters, everything. There is no foreplay at all. The characters simple ARE. They have no background, no motivation, no depth. I can forgive a bit of continuity failure or a bad prop like a mic boom in the shot, but not developing a story line? Nah, can't forgive that one.

PhotoCredit:Created by Christopher Klein / Title: Jodie T: Try 1

Three Pictures - A Study in Lines

While in a two-hour break between runs, I found some railroad tracks. I liked the lines, and the sun-flares under the tunnel.

Dreams

I am really tired of these negative aspect dreams. Two nights ago, it was about Dad. I have not dreamed about him in decades. And then last night, homeless, begging, despair. Everything from the negative end of the spectrum. Makes no sense at all. Unless I am seriously missing something, we are at a positive place in our lives. I am not fearing failure. I don't feel like I am dancing on the head of a pin. And yet the dreams. I don't understand.

Extra time - again

I am still moody as hell and I can't figure out why. When I parked, it was a bit worse than this morning, so I lay down for about 15 minutes. I woke up two and a half hours later, but felt a bit better. So that is something. I got my two discussions done for school and updated my email, blogs and all. Then it was time to settle in and watch some B-films. Today was Transylvania 6-5000. Not the greatest movie, but slapstick enough to be funny.

Sign of the times?

In the middle of Indiana, at a Love's travel center, I watched a meltdown. It was not pretty. She was maybe 25 years old. Goth boots, fishnet stockings, black skirt just above the knee, white-frilly top, a few facial piercings, black lipstick, and hair that looked like she was trying to punish her month by her choices. She walked in the door while I was waiting for Tea to brew. She had a haunted look on her face, wide eyes, but downcast. It reminded me of a scolded child or a beat puppy. She went to the cold case, grabbed a bottle of something, and the next sound was a loud crash as it hit the floor. The employees moved into action, mumbling under their breath, and our object of interest just walked away. She moved to the coffee area. She opened the hot case, selected an item, turned it over, read something on the back, frowned and put it back. No food for our heroine I guess. On to the coffee. She selected a cup, moved to grab a tea bag - they were empty. A noticeable sigh. She turned and went for the Brazilian urn. No dice, that was empty too. She tried for the Brew it now machine, but the grounds container was full. She looked left, looked right, found the second machine, and even found it held Brazilian beans. She pushed the buttons and watched as the large selection tried to fill her medium cup. Oops. After the dark goodness drained away, she grabbed the cup, spilling some of the overflow over her hand, and removed enough to move it to the sugar and creamer area. She went for the first lid holder, empty. The second lid holder, empty. The third, you guessed it. EMPTY. She noticed the ones stacked above the coffee area, way too high. She reached for the top, and of course, they came crashing down. But she got a lid. Wait a minute, she got THREE lids, because they were stuck together. She tried, tried again, tried a third time. No dice, they would not come apart. But no worries, there are dozens of fallen soldiers all over. She grabbed one of the fallen and went back to her cup. She put the lid on, brought it to her lips and found it was not properly applied. Coffee right down the white shirt. Just a little bit. She looked down, sighed, and I felt the crack, like something electrical in the air. She put the cup down, tried to reseat the lid, and after a few tries, you could see it in her face. Her hand went up, then down hard on the cup, making it explode hot coffee all over the place. The girl crumpled to her knees, non-emotive. No anger, no tears, just a lost girl with hot coffee soaking into her skirt and stockings. In the end, someone called emergency services. When I left, she was non-responsive, a broken Goth doll, sitting on the floor of a Love's travel center, lost to the world. This is a reflection of our times. We are all feeling the strain, some more than others. What will push you over the edge? What will push me? And when we do go into that abyss, will it be a cup of coffee that we take with us? Or something more important?

Hey, look at that, Dwell

So, I am stuck down for another extended break. Like I said above, I am pushing close to 40 hours at this point, and it is really getting on my nerves. But sometimes, things are good. I have been rocking a super grumpy cat mode for almost two weeks. I thought it was the normal birthday blues, but it doesn't look like that was it. I have finally identified the problem, if not the source. I have a feeling that the source is just the world around me and I can't do anything about that, unless I am willing to blow up, or dominate the world. And I don't think that I am going to do that, at least not just yet. I have been feeling ineffective, insecure, incompetent, and pretty much any other negative emotion that you can think of. I feel like Van Gogh or Beethoven, not seeing their own worth before they left the mortal plane, passing beyond the veil without ever knowing what they would mean to the human race. But even that comment, which I could have removed or edited, shows that I know that I am not worthless. I mean, come on, I just compared myself to two masters of creativity. I can't feel that bad about myself. Oh look, a walking contradiction. Me??? Nah.

Drawing the world to you

When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. I have no idea who said, it, but it is true in some cases, and by some stretches of the imagination. As many people know, I had a less then perfect childhood due to the overbearing and abusive nature of my father and step-mother. As such, I have parts of my childhood that have escaped into the caverns of my mind to remain hidden from the light, and thus resolution. These pocket blackouts are common among those that have been traumatized and I am well aware of their existence. Every once in a while, external stimuli will draw one of these memories out of its' cave and into the light, where I can bludgeon it to death with rational thinking or kind words, whichever is needed. And today, one of those memories was expelled from that place of darkness, and I have a feeling it has been sitting close to the surface, peeking out anyway. Because once exposed and conquered, I felt a lot better. I am NOT going to share the incident here, and after I finish this paragraph, I will probably never think of it again. But it taught me a lot about myself in 1977. How could I remember the year? Well, because the incident led to me and another being seriously punished for our actions. In my case, that punishment was being locked in my room, unable to watch the pilot of the sitcom Quark while my father watched it, volume turned dangerously high so that I could barely hear it through the door. Why would that be traumatic? Because I had been looking forward to it for more than a month and then, it was so stupid and poorly written that the series was canceled and it never aired again. But it also never appeared on any of my other resources. Until today. I found it on Crackle and I closed the door to that memory for good. And yes, the show did suck, it was horribly written, the actors were questionable, the storyline was predictable, and I am pretty sure that I lost brain cells just watching it. I liked it. Come on folks, it was 1977 and they were pushing sci-fi into prime time. What do you expect?

The coming of night

So, again I get to sit on my butt, but I got things done, important things. I am pretty sure I can finally get a good nights sleep after a few weeks, I grabbed pizza roll from Godfather Pizza, I watched my silly show, and then it was time to settle in for bed. Spoiler for tomorrow, I slept eight hours through and had nightmares, but this time, each time the nightmare would go in a direction I did not like, I grabbed it and changed it. Yes folks, back to Lucid dreaming, a playground of my own right in the old nocturnal gray matter. Now, to get all things back in line....this may take a minute or two. Peace out my friends.

The Dreamscape

All good with the sleeping form. I got eight hours sleep, straight through, for the first time in recent memory. I had nightmares, but they were easily taken lucid. But most important, no one tried to sacrifice me to some ancient god for power. It was a good night to sleep. And it was nice and crisp to, with the temperature dropping down to 48. I even had to turn on the bunk heater for a bit. And it is working, so that is something good as well.

Ahhhh mundania

Even though I can slow-roll this run, I don't. I push hard and get close before I shut down. The reason that I do this is we never know what may happen. I would hate for them to get an open appointment earlier and me be half a day away. So I get close and shut down. The only problem with that is that I shut down at the Love's in Hubbard, OH, and I parked way in the back. This means that I had a single bub of Internet from the Love's and barely a bar on the phone. So I was left to my own devices. Thankfully, I was only here for 10 hours. So I ate dinner and then went to sleep. I know, I have become boring in my old age. But what can you do? Maybe tomorrow will be a bit more interesting.

A good morning

I got into the Love's, got a good parking spot, at Arby's for breakfast, a mistake I hope that I never make again, and I did my exercise, meditation, and Yoga. Not a terrible start to the morning. I followed that up by clearing out my inbox in all my emails and doing a bit of relaxing music work before lunch time. Lunch / dinner was pasta with hot sausage. Yummy.

Making use of the day

Since I had a lot of time, I tried to figure out what to do with it. In the end, most of it was school. I re-read the chapters for this week and the last three weeks of class and prepped myself for the remaining discussions, two papers, and the final. I had a bit of a headache, but I got through it and I think that I am ready for the second half of this course. I worked my email and the blogs, as you can see. And I updated the .NET site. You can take a look at the link up top, it should be updated now. Not a terrible day, all things considered.