An open book journey of Christopher William Klein
Greetings: An update on the previous month: February was a bit of a bear. I am still adjusting to the new job and it is a lot more difficult than I anticipated. It is making my personal life suffer, and I am still working to bring things into alignment. But I am still hopeful.
The new month is here. Click here for April 2024
Jump to the Current Post...Lilith, give me strength.
They say that when March comes in like a lion, it will go out like a lamb. If that is true, it should be a docile little fuzzball under the sofa when this month exits and puts itself behind us because this day came in with a roar that will echo into next week. We are still running people down in the call center, and even though we are mastering the calls and the necessity of the job, there are those few drivers who have to toss a monkey wrench into everything. And for third week in a row, I got stuck with the 11th hour call that has to toss a monkey wrench into my mood and the day. Because of the documentation requirements and the non disclosure of the job, I cannot put details, but suffice it to say then I need to get a golden Binky and put it on my cubicle so that I can assign it to certain people when they do not act right. I left work 30 minutes late because a driver left the job, leaving a truck sitting in an open public area, and he had just gone home. And it was nothing that was in the control of anyone in operations. I am positive that I have not heard the end of this.
I did have the time over this past week to create a new piece of artwork, which appears at the header of this page. I'm just trying out some new filters and color palettes. I think it turned out pretty well. I am hoping to be able to do a few more this month, but time will tell.
I am exhausted, and I have no time at all for any personal work. For this entire week I have not been able to work my daily list, and it is everything that i can do just to get my morning routine and evening routine completed. By the time that I get home I am so tired that I want to do nothing more than jump into bed. And if this is going to be the new normal going forward, something may have to change.
...on a non-work day.
Saturday was supposed to be a day of rest; however, I had a tough time letting go of the week. There were too many things to go over in my head, and I have forgotten more than I remember. I have to start keeping more detailed notes. That said, I have to keep more detailed notes but also leave them at work. Because of the rigors of this job, it exhausts me. As such, my home time is limited, not by time, but by the extra need for rest. So I have to leave work at work. That is much more difficult than I thought it was going to be. But there is a new week right around the corner, and I am unsure what it will bring. I finally put my finger on the biggest problem. People who are not having issues do not call in. So, every time the phone rings, it is a negative issue. That means that 10 hours a day I deal with the negative and I have a feeling that that is dragging me down. Would you like to know how I figured this out? Look in the personal section below.
I finally had time to sit down and work on something new, and this was the result. I hoped that I could depict the feeling of fear on my canvas. As I have been working on my webcast and podcast, I'm trying to create images that will put me in specific moods. This one should put me in the mood of fear and paranoia. This is done with intent, and I have kitten pictures to offset it when I am done.
This was an exciting day. I slept in this morning. I woke up at 2:00 AM, but I stayed in bed and meditated for three hours. I was in a highly negative headspace and I was determined to force myself out of it before I had to interact with anybody. It worked. I was up and in motion and a positive state of mind long before anybody else was up. So I will take it.
Most of the day was spent catching up with different aspects of life that I have been ignoring because of work. As noon rolled around, we took back the rental car and picked up the Spark, and we even stopped by one of the bin stores. The girls found something each, but nothing flipped my switch. Once we finished there, we went over to Asian star and we got a massive lunch and dinner collection. We used to do this every two months when I would come home, but we have not done it since I got home in November. It was delicious.
When we got home, Laura did her thing, and I napped. It was a little longer than I intended because I got in some extra meditation, but I woke up feeling refreshed, even though I had a headache. I pulled things together, and I decided to do the grocery shopping so that the girls did not have to. I took the list and hit Walmart, taking about an hour to get everything except for Italian bread. That was the only thing that I did not find. The irony is that they are reworking the store, and where they are putting things makes no sense at all. I understand that there are some things that I am used to finding in specific places in the store, but they are moving stuff into completely ridiculous areas. Office supplies on a bakery aisle? That doesn't make any sense to me at all. But I got the job done, and I got home. And this is where things got exciting and gave me a new perspective.
Did you know that a negative action, regardless of intent, can have a negative effect on the world around you? I've always known this, but I did not realize how susceptible I had become to negative actions. This week, I have been dealing with negative reactions from my drivers and my team. The drivers because they want things that are outrageous, and the team because they are already wearing thin in some of the aspects of the job. What I did not understand is that this has a cumulative effect. Today, I had to spend 5 hours across multiple sessions, in meditation, just to get back to what i consider normal. I had not realized it, but I failed to get there even though I thought I had. An abrupt word, entirely out of context, and it kicked me right back into the negative aspects that I thought I had overcome. In short, I had masked the effects of the negative week, and all it took was one little tap from a verbal icepick, and that positive control slipped. I can take failure, but what I cannot take is lying to myself about success. I have already pulled some positive reinforcement subliminal music and I have a targeted meditation due for tomorrow morning said that I can get this resolved before I go back to work and have to face more of it. I am sure that the wife feels bad about her actions. I hope that I can impress on her that while the single action may have had a negative impact, it opened up a doorway to something that I did not see which could have created an extremely adverse environment, not only for myself, but for those around me. I also have to add to the fact that I did not see it as part of the problem. Self-deception is part of the old me and has no place in my life. But the best way to avoid a trap is to know of its existence. And I can see this one clearly.
I did get to play some virtual reality and kill zombies today. So that was a lot of fun. The game has three different modes, and I like to play Survival. It only takes about 15 minutes, and I even get a workout. I have set up for tomorrow to work on some of my writing that is behind and some of my other projects. I have placed my final order for my webcast and podcast equipment, and according to the shipper, it should be here tomorrow. If it arrives i can do my final check and I can schedule my first cast for next weekend. I have to pick a platform other than the website. I will put that on the list for tomorrow, along with quite a few other things. Those other things include making Chinese meatballs and chicken. As well as cleaning my indoor garden.
...let it go.
I am facing something that I did not anticipate. As I have walked through this life, I have faced many challenges. I overcame some of them, and some of them overcame me. But much like a paladin facing off against the gathering hordes, I have always been willing to raise my sword and defend myself. This is the first time that I can remember in my life where I have considered surrender. It is a momentary weakness, but it shows a flaw in my armor. I do not know if this is a new flaw or one that the world has never exploited around me. As I meditate on the need to return to work tomorrow, I do not find a positive aspect of this situation. I understand that this is situational, but that does not help. I hope that tomorrow morning, I can get into motion and get into work, jumping back into a regular routine without the negative overtones. But I am unsure. And that word, unsure, bothers the hell out of me. It is an undiscovered country within my mind. Because even when I have been wrong, I have been sure.
> One of the greatest weapons that I have in my mighty arsenal is my ability to translate my innermost feelings into something else. If you have read above, you can see that I am wavering. This translates into this new piece of art where a young lady faces the devastation within her own mind. I have no idea why I always translate my emotions into the feminine. I have a feeling that it would take somebody with a much greater education then I to figure that out. Perhaps my super ego is feminine. Or perhaps I just like drawing women more than men. Anyway, I cannot help but wonder if this feminine reflection of myself will rise above, or shatter. Time is an enemy.
I was a little bit worried that I would sit on my ass all day and get nothing done. That has been the theme to my weekends for quite a while. Even though I recognize the problem, I would deal with the regret instead of being proactive. But that did not happen today. I finished cleaning up the garage and setting up my personal area, I fixed a broken toilet, I cleaned out my micro garden and got it ready for the next set of plants, and i cooked meatballs and chicken. Cooking meatballs and chicken doesn't sound like a big deal except that they were 5 lbs each. So we have food in the refrigerator for the week, and I have lunches. They are Chinese meatballs and they are really good.
I continued setting up the computer for podcasting and webcasting and before the end of the day my new camera and my USB hub came so now it is down to the creative aspect. I am planning my first transmission, which will probably be only audio, for next weekend. It is probably going to be one of those introduction type things to announce myself to the world. I still do not know where I'm going to distribute it, but I am setting up the website to handle it and I will go from there. I did test the new rig, and I have some tweaking to do, but i think it will work well.
I spent a significant amount of time on my writing and going through the stuff that I have actually completed to a point of going to editing. I surprise myself sometimes. As it stands right now, i have 3 novels completed that are ready for editing. One of those is in the final stages. I have to start saving up soon so that I can self publish this one and go from there. I have spoken to several publishing companies, and every single one of them is a scam. Sure they will be willing to publish your book and even do some marketing for you, but they are not willing to take a chance on it and you have to pay them the cost of publishing which is somewhere between 5000 and 10 thousand dollars with no guarantee of return. They do not have professionals that are able to read the market to find out if something would be viable. This became quite evident when they took a 400 page book and read it overnight, coming back with an offer. If I hit the lottery, I will open a publishing company. Things annoy me.
Of course, I was able to kill zombies A couple of times today and it was an enjoyable adventure. I looked through my Amazon list and I chose my next purchase for two weeks from now and I have it narrowed down to two things. One is the sushi shooter, and the other is a bonsai tree kit. I am just trying to maintain my sanity. How am I doing? As I sit here talking to myself.
I ended the day by setting up my new camera gear and testing it. I will be doing that all week, and then next weekend it is production time. I let the wife watch as I played my game so that she can see what the excitement is all about, and I tried the interactive mode, where the zombies attack your actual house, and that was kind of freaky. I am not sure I will be doing that again.
...feeling pulpy.
I spent the entire weekend trying to rebalance myself after the events of Friday, and I believe that I got myself into a neutral place in my mind, which is not as good as positive but much better than negative. And it only took one greedy, insignificant plebe of a driver who feels that everybody owes him something to push that mood back into the negative. He plays the game very well, bouncing from representative to representative and nibbling away at them until they give him what he wants. And what he wants is to sit on his ass and do nothing and get paid for it. Unfortunately, now his calls all come to me. And I am giving him nothing. It is almost a vendetta at this point and I hate to say that. It is very childish. But he insulted me, cursed at me, demanded of me, and told me that I was nothing.
> Look at this: I am searching my emotional depths and translating them into artwork. I called this one emotional surrender because that is exactly what I intended. I like it.
I did try to enter this week in a positive frame of mind, but that was blown out of the water. It was everything that I could do to maintain a neutral keel. It was not even halfway through the day, and somebody had to throw a monkey wrench into everything. By the time I got home, I was physically and mentally exhausted, and I cooked a horrible dinner, trying to put together some mushroom soup, hot wing sauce, chicken, cheese, and macaroni. I figured that it would be like a Buffalo chicken macaroni and cheese, but it tasted more like Buffalo sweat. Perhaps I am losing my touch. But I ate some of it, killed some zombies, and headed to bed. This appears to be my life five days a week.
...judgment day.
Say one thing and do another. Train a person to do something and then punish them for applying that training. I am in the middle of it right now. I got pulled into a conference to listen to a 16-minute telephone call where I did not appropriately kiss a driver and handle the immediate problem. Instead, I listened with empathy and allowed them to talk themselves out before addressing the situation I could fix, except that I asked about that problem repeatedly. But that was not good enough. The corporate executives are cherry-picking calls without listening and context. It is probably one of the worst business decisions that the company has made since the variant fiasco. And I don't mean the beginning of Variant because that was good. I mean, when they decided to purchase 10 times the amount of trucks without the freight, drivers, or trailers to back it up. And now, they are applying 1% of high-performance business operations and believing it will make a difference. It looks really good in a board meeting or a PowerPoint presentation, but it is not practical unless you apply the entire model. They were never counting on somebody who knew the model. I am getting to the point where I can say that I am disgusted by some of these actions.
I had to take two hours this morning to get to a neutral position through meditation. This is no way to live. I hoped it was just a bump in the road, but it does not seem that way. Something has to give sooner or later, or it will be time to walk away. I had to waste my entire morning to get to a point where I could deal with the day, and after the fiasco at work, I came home highly anti-social. Like I said, something has to give. There is no artwork today because I have one started, but I was not in the mood to finish it. We shall see what tomorrow brings. After work, it was home to Taco Bell, dead zombies, and sleep.
...has changed.
Feel it in the air. There is a change in the dynamic at work. I have very little energy, and I do not feel helpful anymore. I have sterilized my desk by removing anything personal from it. And I'm moving along like an automaton without an emotional connection. I see this as a bit of a problem, but it is the only solution, at least for now. Only time is going to tell what will happen here, and I will do my best to push through it to see what comes out of it. But if something comes along, well, you know where this is going.
My latest experiment is with emotion. But I wanted something more interesting than just the typical emotions. This young lady, created from the ground up using about ten different people, is full of malice. I paid special attention to the naval, the bend on the inside of the elbow, and the facial features.
I am beginning to think that Monday through Friday, I should negate the personal part of the blog. I am oversleeping and rushing to get to work, then I am coming home exhausted, eating, and going to sleep. This is not life; this is drudging. Something has to give, or something's going to give.
...too much.
Today almost pushed me over the brink. I am not sure exactly what was happening, but it was problem after problem, call after call, and issue after issue. They were coming at us from all sides, including the drivers, the planners, and even some people from Chattanooga. It was nonstop from early morning until about an hour before we all logged out. And you could feel the stress mounting. This was not normal, and there was no reason for it.
Much like the rest of this week, today offered no personal time. I got up so late and went to bed so early that I didn't even have time to play with my artwork. The only thing that I was able to do was kill some zombies. That seems to be the new normal right now and I am not liking it at all.
...and none too soon.
We have finally made it to Friday, and it could not come soon enough. Today was much better than yesterday, but there were still some issues. We had one person out on a personal day, but the boss could get coverage for her, so it did not affect the group. I found out that next week, for the entire week, two members of the driver retention team are going to be in Memphis. This is an exciting development because we have been instructed to prepare our questions. And I have questions. I have found that my education and experience work against me in this position. I see the company making the same mistakes that they made four years ago, which led to a hostile takeover. They have just repackaged it. They have parts of the system that work against each other, but continue to say that they are all important. For example, one of the best ways to retain employees is to help them make money. In logistics, this is done by paying per mile and moving the truck with a load. However, we have reduced our pay base, and drivers are sitting constantly. But they want us to retain these drivers by tossing them a cookie now and then. That does not work. It is going to be an exciting visit.
Even though today is Friday, that did not bring a lot of relief. I am getting up later and later, and I am returning home more tired every day. I do not believe that this is depression; my meditation, as minimalistic as it has been, points more to frustration and depression. And it is all related to work. I am not even sure if a pay increase would fight off the frustration. But it might be a good place to start. One of the most significant weapons we have with our drivers is a work-life balance, and my work-life balance while on the truck was better than it is here at home. I see that as a significant problem. Today was just another example. I got up with enough time to eat breakfast and get out the door and I came home, stared at a television show and then went to bed. Thankfully, the weekend is here, but I am so exhausted that often, on the weekends, I wind up sitting like a bump on a log. I have to figure this out
...sort of.
From a work perspective, I attacked the issue from 2 fronts. I reviewed my notes for the week on my drivers and other aspects of the company and filled out about two dozen applications for other companies. There is a lot to consider, and I am quickly reaching the end of my rope with the duality of the company processes. They do not make any sense from a business or common sense point of view. Eventually, things will work themselves out, but until then, those of us on the front lines are getting hammered daily.
I was in a mood today, and it led to extensive meditation. Since I had time on my hands today because of some changes in my plans, I decided to do artwork. Expressing myself through art is a good way to visualize my meditation. This one requires a lot of unpacking because it could go one of two ways. Each of these 5 images is independent but shares an overtone and a theme. In each one, the character is alone. But does that mean that I feel alone, where I crave to be alone? This is the first time in a very long time that meditation led to more questions than answers.
I have not been doing well lately when it comes to mood swings. This morning and into this afternoon have probably been the most significant swing in a long time. I was going from almost giddy to darkness and despair. That is not entirely out of character for me, but for it to happen in 10 minutes is. I am up to almost three hours of meditation daily to keep myself on an even keel. I have absolutely no doubt that the primary reason for this is the dichotomy of work. The actions that are being taken and the demands of upper management are in direct opposition to each other. It is unfathomable that I am the only one who can see this. But they continue with these obscure demands, trying to fix the dam by putting a Band-Aid on it. It is almost as if they are hoping that the situation will fail. That is a possibility, but only if a person or a group of people in control could benefit from it. We saw this in the company about four years ago when we created and modified the variant group. It is not likely that a company would make the exact same mistakes without intent.
But that is enough about work for now. I could not just let it go, so the pendulum started to swing. I did extensive meditation, and because of some slight changes around the house, I had to change my way of thinking about how I would handle the weekend. The wife is on vacation this week, and she went out for the day to visit a flea market and a few other places. This left me alone with my thoughts, and I used that time to create the artwork you see above. There is no need to worry because I am in a balanced place, at least most of the time. But the rest of the time, the pendulum swings hard to the left and then hard to the right. I will bring it together; I am just not sure how yet.
I did get a chance to make some significant advancements in my zombie game, and that is both a good and a bad thing at the same time. It is good because it is enjoyable and not frustrating, but it is terrible because I am almost at the end of the game. It is a bittersweet saga because there is nothing else I am interested in playing. I went through the website for the meta, and even though they have added quite a few new games, the only things that interest me are the physical games, which are subscription-based. That is another stick in my craw for a lot of things nowadays. You have to buy subscriptions to things that you should be able to purchase outright. It isn't enjoyable.
Tomorrow will be creativity day because I have everything set up now for both the podcast and the webcast. I signed up for a service that would give me two hours a month for free, and I still have to set up my YouTube account to cross-post and get out there in the world. For those of you who know me, many have asked what the podcast and webcast will be about. I have no problem being completely honest and admitting that it will be about nothing and is a way to get my written works out there and in the public eye. Most of you know that I am very opinionated, and I will share these opinions with the public and probably gain the following of some unusual people who think the same way that I do. And each time they look at the podcast or the webcast, they will find something else about some of my writing. As I get the next tome published, maybe they will buy it. Tomorrow, I am going to use the new software to create my introduction. That will be my first cast. And it will be a way to test out the software. Other than that, it was a very calm day. I like it when the days are calm.
...but still on.
Since it was Sunday, I had the day off, but that did not stop me from working. I put together the first webcast, and I got it edited and online. I also reviewed the responses from my recent applications and added some new ones, so I'm not just sitting on my laurels.
The official title of the Webcast / Podcast series is Remembering Tomorrow with the Ancient, A very wet cat production. It is a lot of fun.
Here is the link for the Webcast, if you are interested Remembering tomorrow with the Ancient
I'm rolling through life, and I'm pretty much exhausted at all times right now, and that is no way to live. I think it would be better if they were actually paying me for the time and energy I am putting into it, but they are paying me about half of what I am worth, at least in my opinion. I am not greedy, and I never have been, but I'm starting to get that way now.
I spent most of the day filling time because I did not want to do anything. But I cleaned up the rest of the garage, and the webcast was set up and completed. It is not the greatest creative work in history and will not win any awards, but it's already up there for the world to see. Who knows what tomorrow will bring?
I had time to play my zombie game for quite a bit, and I am at the end, which is disappointing. I am thinking that tomorrow, when I get home, I may jump back on Resident Evil and then go from there. The rest of the day was pretty much mundane, and aside from doing my regular routine, I did not do a whole hell of a lot, even though there was plenty to get done. Tomorrow begins a new week, and I do no know what will be on that platter.
...at it.
We have made it back to Monday, and we have visitors from Chattanooga. The more I talk to the executives of this company, the more I can see through the transparency of a shell. It is not a good thing. They are trying to toss band-aids on a leaking dam, which makes no sense. The resources are available to do things properly, but they continue to nickel and dime everything. It is disheartening.
Back into the work week and everything that comes with that. That means I got up extremely late, by 2 1/2 hours, actually, and then I came home, ate dinner, killed zombies, and went to bed. I don't have enough time anymore. Getting off the truck was supposed to give me more time, not less.
...what fun.
There was something in the air or something in the water today. I'm not sure exactly what it was, but there was some computer problem that was tossing everything off, and it was causing all kinds of issues. After lunch, we had a round table where we got to air our grievances, but we got the corporate tongue in return. These people are set in their ways, and I can see it, and I recognize it. They will continue to ride this model from hell, even if it takes them to the bottom of the ocean. Since I am the low man on the totem pole, I should sit back and accept this and stop trying to rock the boat. Is that going to happen? Not likely. But we shall see what happens with the tide shifts.
Because of work, I do not have a lot of free time anymore, but I am trying to work on reading my stories and editing. And it took me back to this image. This was my first attempt at doing Lilith and the Fairy Queen as they took over Eden. That storyline is dead, but I still like the image.
This tiredness is a cumulative effect. And there is not enough time on the weekend to offset it. I ran through work pretty much on automation except for the round table, and I even left about 1/2 an hour late because I was talking to one of the people from the crystal tower. There are times I do not like being an empath because I can see not only what they are trying to let me see, which is that they are listening intently, but that they are also filing everything away in the circular file. I try hard not to get a superiority complex around these people, but it isn't easy. Then I got out of work and came home with to a frozen pizza and a quick game of Rogue Ascent. The wife got that for me and it is an exciting game. I also set up my little garden with jalapenos and cherry tomatoes, and it was time for bed.
...but what is under it?
Things are continuing to degrade. Our visitors from Chattanooga were sent down to listen, counsel, and help. I cannot believe that companies will still stick to this strategy of using talking heads in modern business. They came in with the same message, and they were unwavering with that message. An old movie from about 30 years ago starred Rowdy Roddy Piper. It was about subliminal conformity, and I see that going on now. The company has so much dichotomy that I'm curious to see what will break first. There will be more on this in the future.
I continue to experiment with attempting to express emotions within my work. I'm working with the same foundational model, and I'm just making tweaks to the background and the facial expressions for the most part. Today, we are going to try fear. I don't think I quite got it. This looks more like quizzical amusement.
Each day I seem to sleep later than I did the day before and that leaves nothing for the morning. Then when I get home, I eat something quickly, watch a show, kill a zombie or two and then it is off to bed. Is this life? I guess we will find out.
...One more day.
The saga continues, and our visitors from out of town have left, but we were informed today that we will have another visitor next week - the head of our safety division. I have a good rapport with Andy, but I am not sure how the visit will go. I can understand why the company does some of its things, but I think they are on the wrong track. Unfortunately, the company is a train heading down a hill. Only time is going to tell what will happen when it reaches the bottom. I have done my best to relay this information, but I do not think it is going anywhere. I should point out that I made similar observations four years ago, and his observations fell on deaf ears. The result is where we are today - purchased by another company.
Today, I chose to go a little out of my comfort zone and try to change a real person's foundation. A quick look at this piece of art will reveal a hidden psychosis. Or at least that was the intent. Unlike my recent emotional attempts, I hit this one right on the head. Why this one is so interesting to me is that this is a real person. The foundation of the work is a real, public-domain photograph. It is a cheerleader picture of a public figure, with modifications done to the facial expression.
I'm in the same routine where I wake up, go to work, come home and sleep. The morning modifications are so critical at this point that I do not even have time for my exercise, meditation, or yoga. I have to get into a new routine soon or it could be detrimental to my health.
...the Ides of March.
The final day of the week, and it was fun. Of course, I say that with all the sarcasm I can muster because it started like a lion and stayed that way all day. It was just one thing after another, and there was no slowdown. Something has got to give sooner or later. Either that or I have to stop caring, which seems to be everybody else's answer. I have about 40 resumes out right now and have received quite a few responses I must go through this weekend. I do not believe that I can continue this way.
I have put too much emotion into recent works, so here is something light. Creating took less than 5 minutes, but it was very satisfying.
Another day of nothing but work. I concentrated on work before I went to work, I did my work at work, and then I brooded over work when I got home. This is my life from Monday through Friday, and I do not like it. But the weekend is here for what that is worth and we shall see what happens.
...No, not him.
I am unable to keep work off my mind on my days off. I spent quite a significant amount of time today thinking about what I must do on Monday morning. I just cannot let it go, which is not good. Even when I was driving and in a truck 24 hours a day, when I would take my 34-hour reset, I could put the job behind me even though I was still sitting in it. I find this quite disturbing. However, I spent quite a bit of time sifting through the responses from the resumes I sent out, most of which were predictable. The biggest thing is overqualification, which I have come to expect. But that is OK because time is on my side. And what does time do? It moves forward.
I wanted to take a break from my figures, so here is a cityscape for fun.
One of the biggest problems that I have is that when I finish the work week, I want to do nothing but sit on my butt all day and do nothing. It is a terrible habit, and I broke it this week. Because of the rigors of work, I got behind on my exercise, yoga, and morning projects. I caught all of those up this morning and am back on track. The timing was perfect because as soon as I finished, it was time to go food shopping. We checked out the state of Walmart's renovations, and they are coming along. I went back to the house for lunch, and then I spent the afternoon going through my files and playing games on the virtual reality system. It was a relaxing day for a change.
...it comes and it goes.
Today's work involved trying to avoid work. But work still intrudes even when I attempt to mesmerize myself through other things. It does not make for happy home time.
I had a lot of time today, so I decided to do something with a bit of vision. And this is the result. It comes from proofreading one of my stories, and I think it came out pretty well.
This was a Sunday, and I had a lot of time on my hands, so I got a lot of things done. For once, I did not just sit on my butt and do nothing. So, I will pat myself on the back and give myself a big kudos. That and $5.25 will get me a Starbucks. But The funny thing is that I no longer want Starbucks. Isn't that interesting? Actually, it's not interesting at all, at least not to anybody other than me. And less, there's somebody out there doing a college thesis on the effects of mocha frappuccino on the modern-day adult. But then again, nothing would surprise me.
Like yesterday, I spent the morning catching up on exercise, yoga, and meditation. I think I've gotten myself to a mentally centered place, and I will take it. I took down my green screen and disassembled the rig that it was attached to; then, I moved the webcasting studio upstairs to my cubby. I set up my easel, and I am prepared to paint. I reworked a little bit of my altar and set up my jewelry. The entire time, I had YouTube playing in the background, and the days slipped away from me. I worked on a bunch of artwork, quite a bit of writing, and my stored files. By the time I looked up, the day was over. The only other exciting thing is that I got my cake-decorating kit today, and I was able to unbox that. Now that I think of it, I should have done an unboxing video. Maybe next time. But I went to bed on time and felt good about today. Tomorrow is another story.
...and look, hell.
Hell comes to Frog Town used to be one of my significant fallbacks when it was a really bad day. I am not sure if today qualifies as a horrible day, but it is up there. We did our Saint Patrick's celebration at work, and I wore my Renaissance gear, which was widely accepted in a positive nature. There were the usual problems with the drivers and my fellow employees in some instances, but I could have dealt with all of them efficiently. I did not expect that one of our fleet managers, Crystal, would quit without notice. Then we add that two of her fleet members did not show up or call. Things could get very interesting very quickly. Mark was supposed to be off today because he had called out, but with the loss of the other fleet manager, he drugged himself and came in. Again, interesting. I am not sure where this is going to go, but I have my popcorn.
For my art lesson today, I fell back on the basics and went for a nice rustic yet deserted town in grayscale. I like it.
It appears to me that things are going to escalate at work. I'm not sure in what direction they will go, but it will be a journey. The current leadership is excellent, but we have had a lot tossed on us in two months. I don't know if they are up to the task or not. Only time is going to tell. I have decided to take time to sit back and watch, acting only when it is appropriate and to my advantage. I am dealing with proud people, which is never good in such a situation. So, I believe it is better to remain silent until needed. I don't want to get hit by friendly fire.
On a lighter note, it is a new week, and that means a new yoga position. I have finally hit the position or pose that is my arch-enemy: the full Lotus. When I was young and nimble, I could not get into that position. Now that I am not so young and nimble, the process is no more accessible. However, I will stick to it for the week just like I am supposed to. We shall see what happens.
I was able to get up at 2:00 AM this morning, and I was able to do my entire morning routine. Some proofreading and sorting of files were included in that. However, when I got home, it was food, and then I went to bed because it was a very long day.
...a rough day.
Work is exhausting. I was never this tired when I was driving and I worked a lot harder in those days. But this is a different type of tired. I would say that it is almost soul draining. I really need to step up my game and find a different path.
What can change if we really put our hands and our minds to the task?
I have nothing today. I woke up, got ready for work, worked through the day, and came home and went to sleep. There have been more and more days like this and I'm getting tired of it.
...Lilith preserve me.
My patience is wearing thin, and it started to fray around the edges today. I am up to about 27 drivers now, and it is a comfortable level that I can manage pretty well when things don't go wrong. Unfortunately, one of the things that can go wrong is a driver who feels that they are entitled. But this is more of a reflection on the global state than anything else. Toward the end of the day, after a highly harrowing day, one of my drivers, who needs constant supervision and babysitting, decided to push the envelope, and he caught me at the wrong time. He tried to dictate to me exactly what I would do to improve his life. The demand was counter to our policy and our agreement. He told me that if I did not do as he demanded, then he would turn his keys in. I told him to do it. And since it is Olive Branch, i will track him all the way in and be standing there to take them. I am at the end of my fuse with some people.
There are times when I take myself too seriously. But at least I recognize this flaw in myself. So today, I did something just for fun. It is a standard 3D model and a bit of abstraction. There is no theme and nothing behind this. Not everything has to have a purpose.
I feel as if I am spinning my wheels. And this is not the first time I have felt this way recently. I need to sit down, meditate, and concentrate on the issues at hand. And then, because we are a partnership, I need to take my ideas to the wife. Once that is done, maybe I can find some common ground with myself and find a way out of this labyrinth that seems to be taking over my psyche. It has been almost 1/4 of a year and it feels like it has passed in a week. I do not want the rest of my life to pass me by, and there is absolutely no reason that I should not be enjoying myself now. I must figure out how to make that happen without winning the lottery.
...Just bad.
I am getting to a point where I have 5 negative days followed by two neutral days. I am not sure exactly how long I can continue this way. Today was just an extremely harmful day. I made two mistakes that may qualify as catastrophic. One was that I forgot to pay a driver for six days of downtime. And since today is payday, he is noticeably irked. The other mistake was leaving a driver sitting just outside of Dallas for an additional 12 hours after she had already sat there for more than 40 because I failed to follow up on a terminal transfer request. That is not precisely my fault because one of the planners dropped the ball because of a data error, but it's still my fault because I did not follow up. She was pretty upset. I'm just not sure how much longer I can do this. And a lot of it has to do with the information system. I spend more than half my day fixing issues that should be automatic. And so does everybody else. I think that I take it more personally because of my computer background. These are issues that should not happen in a professional company. And those in charge seem to brush this to the side. I am unclear as to what's going to happen going forward. But something's got to give before I do.
I had minimal time today, so I grabbed an old work and finished it. This is from my month-long steampunk class about a year ago. I don't particularly like it, but I don't hate it either.
I need to take some time this weekend and concentrate on myself. I am carrying too much negativity with me right now, and it affects aspects of my life that are better left unmolested. A hostile work environment is generating all of this. I have heard of a toxic work environment before, and I am very familiar with the aspects of those environments when it is related 2 misogynism, power grabs, sexism, or even racism. However, I have never heard of a toxic work environment in which technology was the primary enemy. And that is what I am dealing with now. It creates such a hostile work environment that those who adjust to it fall into line, but they are not doing their best work. And since I am at the bottom of the totem pole, I can have little or no effect on the overall system. I have brought it up to those who have visited from the main office, but they have all shrugged it off. It is amazing.
I am not facing a midlife crisis; I have already gone through that. But I am facing a turning point, and I have to do something about it. I stay so busy, especially during the week, that I have little or no time to concentrate on myself. I believe that this weekend I need to change that gather my personal tools and figure out what to do. There are only two options. I can continue to stick it out and hope that they are not blowing smoke about these changes that are coming up in a couple of months, which could launch me to a higher position where I can make a change. Or I can move on. The problem with the former is that, like many companies, this company expands the idea of truth. It is part of this system, and that system is broken. But something does have to give.
...Good? Bad? I am not sure.
When I got to work this morning, I did not expect to last the day. I made multiple mistakes yesterday and was unsure if I could clean them up. But with some level-headed thinking and about 10 hours, I had them cleared. Or at least I think I did. I did identify why I am having so many problems, though. It comes from a reorganization within the Memphis office where we lost a driver leader who was not doing an excellent job, and his drivers were handed out to the rest of us. Those are the ones that I'm having a problem with. The day went by quickly because I was sitting at my desk the entire day, even through lunch, to ensure everything got done. I am unsure how long I can continue with this level of operation. And I am going to be brutally honest about the situation. I can do the work, and I can put 100 percent into it every day. But not for what they are paying me. They are underpaying this position by half. And that is not going to change anytime soon. So, it's time to sit and make some hard choices. We shall see where I land.
Back to the study of emotions. This one is anguish.
Going into the weekend, I have some extra time. What is better than reflection when you have that kind of time? Once in a while, it is good to look backward as long as you don't try to walk forward while you are doing so. And today was one of those days. I will do a much more significant post on this, but at 58 years old, I am nowhere near where I thought I would be when I was younger. I never became a fireman or an astronaut. And to be honest, those things were never in my wheelhouse. But I also never became a veterinarian or a photographer, at least not professionally. I became a chef briefly, but I was never world-renowned. I am a computer programmer, but I don't use it. And, though it may surprise many people, I never became a champion of justice working for the Republican Party as I wanted to when I was a member of the Young Republicans Club. I did not become a captain of industry, and my name is not known around the world. But these are dreams of youth, and they are no longer with me. But it may be time to figure out my life's direction. And this is not nearly as maudlin as it sounds, just a reflection on where I wanted to be and where I landed. There is always time for change until you take your last breath. And I hope that is far in the future.
...An think no more.
I am positive that that is not going to happen. That I shall rest and think no more. It is just not in my nature. Even though the week ended in a positive light, it does not make up for all of the negative throughout the entire week. One of my most significant issues is that we have specific tasks to perform daily, and I do not believe that they are getting done. The fact that nobody is saying anything about them not getting done compounds the problem. But again, I am not management. But I did get a clear definition of the chain of command yesterday. It had some revelations that I did not expect. For instance, I am not at the bottom of the totem pole. That is the position reserved for the planners, an entry-level position. It is a position that you use to cut your teeth in logistics. The way they talked to us, meaning the planners, made me think they were much higher up the food chain than I was. But that is not the case. I found that amusing.
Today, there was a reasonable amount of time on my hands and I was not in the mood to work on my significant list for the weekend so I put a lot of time into my artwork and my writing. I have completed everything I need for the blog for the next week, and I have a rough outline of what I will do in the podcast tomorrow. But today, I offer you something completely different from what I normally do. There is no theme here; I just let my mind wander, and this is where it found itself.
I am continuing with my self-assessment of where I was, where I wanted to be, and where I am. But since I only started yesterday, it will take a little longer. Said there will be no groundbreaking resolutions today. As for today, it got off to a false start because of the power outage at the house. But the entire family, except for the boy, decided to take advantage of that and attend one of the local craft fairs. It was well put together, and it was packed. But it also led me to notice something. Many of the crafters had some very insignificant items with very high prices. I just found that quite interesting. Have I become a craft snob? Or am I just generally arrogant? It is a possibility.
I spent an extensive amount of time on creativity today, which put me in a positive place. I think that is one of the things that keeps me grounded, and I should always make the time for it. I also picked out a greenhouse for my spring gardening, and it is pretty inexpensive. I will go with container gardening this year instead of digging up the yard. One of the most significant advantages is that I can pull any container and bring it outside whenever possible. If something is not doing well in the greenhouse, I can move it to the deck and go from there. And if something refuses to grow, I can pull it and start over without worrying about it. I still have to pick what I will plant first, but I am thinking of starting with a few different types of lettuce, some tomatoes, and some Peppers. We are salad people, and tomatoes are expensive. But I have a whole list of things I would like to grow, and using a greenhouse with shelves and containers will let me experiment. I think it is a good spring hobby. And there will be very insignificant weeding requirements.
In the last paragraph, I mentioned the price of tomatoes. And that is going to be the foundation for my podcast this week. I am going to be issuing a challenge to big business. Specifically, those businesses that provide necessary goods to the public. Prices are out of control. And everybody within the business environment loves to point toward inflation. However, while these companies are pointing toward inflation, they are not recognizing, or at least stating, that the same companies are posting record profits. This is not inflation; this is taking advantage of the working poor. And the fact that we have a definition for the words working poor in the United States is an abomination. But that is a lot more political than I would like to go into this blog, so if you want to see the entire tirade, you will have to look at the podcast or webcast for this week. It should be done by the end of tomorrow. We shall see.
...and more updates.
My work day today is updating my resume on job sites. I need to be prepared for anything. I've had two excellent days, but I can already feel the dread of returning to work tomorrow slipping in. That is no way to live.
There are people in this world that are in trouble. Fear represses them and takes away their voice. We can be their voice. Never turn away when you see something wrong. Do something or say something.
When I started the day this morning, I had a list with 13 items on it. Before I slipped into bed in the evening, twelve of those items were crossed off, and the remaining ones will be done first thing tomorrow morning. And these were not simple items. I baked a cake, mowed the yard, took care of the garage, and many other things. I spent almost two hours communicating with different things and entities to resolve some issues, and I reset my entire social media platform and my job search platform. I spent a few hours on creative endeavors, including writing and artwork, and I am at least a week ahead on both. This qualifies as a good day. The only negative for the day was that I could not do my podcast because that cheap synthesizer I bought failed. I will have to research options before I can do my next podcast. Everything that I've read recommends that you do not do any formal type of podcast without one of these devices, but it can be done at least until I can afford a new one. So, I will push the next episode back by one week. And it's going to be a good one.
...another visitor.
The highlight for today was finding out that we have another out-of-town visitor who is going to be staying with us for the week. Mark is from Chattanooga, and he was one of our trainers. He was accommodating with some of our pain points, such as repowers in trucks that get stuck in a certain status. It was a much better day than it has been lately, but still not a great day. I am not enjoying going to work, and that is a problem. But we shall see what the world brings.
I had a lot of time this past weekend, so I prepared an entire week's worth of images. But I wanted to wander away from the heavy-handed topics I have been using. So here is something completely different.
I did not have much personal time today, but I had a little. I could get my morning routine out of the way before I went to work, and when I got home, I could watch my show and kill a few zombies but the day still stressed me out, but not nearly as much as it has recently. I may have hit a tipping point, but only time will answer that question. My plants are doing well. I am gearing up to start my social media campaign for the podcast, and I have a few ideas to fix that problem as well. I cannot try them until this weekend, but they are on the list.
...nine hours down.
Here, we have an exercise of frustration and futility. I always get to work 30 minutes ahead of everybody else to ensure everything is working correctly, and I can get logged in before the race of the day begins. This morning is a perfect example of why I do so. When I logged into the computer, I could do virtually nothing. Some of the back office databases were offline, and they stayed that way until 30 minutes before the end of work. Mostly, we could answer the phones and let people know there was no way we could help them until the computers came back. At the end of the day, when the database finally came back online, it was 30 minutes before the end of the day, and we had nine hours of work to do. Because of our nondisclosure agreements, I cannot say precisely what I did here, but I will pay for it. Let the dice roll.
Realism has never been my strong suit. But since I had so much time over the weekend, I figured that I would revisit the lesson on creating something that looks real. I do not particularly like this image, but I do like the technique that was used to create it. It is a wire frame with a generic face and hair that is molded using the artificial intelligence aspects of Photoshop to give the appearance of small hairs, pores, and other aspects of the human condition. Of everything that I did over the weekend, this one took the longest.
I had such a good weekend that it took almost until the end of Tuesday for my mood to begin to slip back into the sewers of my mental condition. The work situation today did not help, but I got through it, and here we are. The morning went well, and I was less than an hour behind, and the evening was decent. Even with the problems, I got out of work only 15 minutes late, and I went home for a nice dinner of spaghetti with meat sauce and then some time to kill bugs and zombies and play Beat Saber. It was a nice cool-down routine for a very nasty day.
...pay the piper.
When you do the right thing for the wrong reasons, you are still wrong. By contrast, when you do the wrong thing for the right reasons, you are still wrong. That statement sums up the day. I verbally got my hand slapped for catching things up when I should not have been able to. But there were still ripples of the database crash from yesterday that ran through today. But nobody on our site was affected so that I will take it. Except for my little reprimand, it was a very calm day. There are still two more days this week, and I am not looking forward to them because they will not be nearly as innocuous as today. But that is a problem for tomorrow.
I went through all the filters I collected this past weekend for the past couple of years. I had completely forgotten about my fire filters. I love these things.
Know myself well enough to be able to see the pressure building within me. My normal routine is not quite enough to do more than keep it at Bay. And because it is a cumulative effect, it gets a little bit worse each day. On the weekends I have been able to use some distractions to take some of the mental pressure off of me, but it is getting more and more challenging to find distractions that can have the desired effect. This weekend, I should be ordering my greenhouse, and I am hoping that that will help quite a bit. The 6 little plants that sit next to me in the morning help quite a bit, so I expect something on a larger scale to help a lot.
I got up late this morning, so I did not go through my morning routine other than meditation, which never makes for a good day. Work was calm enough that I did not feel entirely stressed out when I got home, so I ate dinner and did my new night routine on the Meta quest. I got to kill zombies, bugs, and little blocks flying at my face. It's an excellent secondary exercise routine.
...of a mundane world.
Working through the day was an exercise in futility. It's not that there was anything wrong; it was just that it was impossible to get anything done because as one call would finish, another call would come in. Since we are a call center, that is not unexpected. I believe that what gets on my nerves is that they are not my drivers calling in. And every one of them seems to need some repair on their account. First thing in the morning, I go through every one of my drivers and ensure everything is set up correctly. And that limits the calls that they have to make to make. But we shall see how time deals these cards.
I have not done a good monster picture in a very long time. So I ask you, is the monster a friend or an enemy? This young lady seems unafraid. Or is she just oblivious?
We are almost into the weekend, and I have no serious plans, but I cannot wait for it to arrive anyway. Just the time off will be good enough. As I've pointed out in previous weeks, aside from getting my e-mail and the blog done daily, I have very little personal life during the week. I wouldn't say I like that at all.
...and me.
Sometimes, you have to rock the boat, and this was one of those days. I dressed up in my goth outfit and went to work. It went over surprisingly well, and it was situation normal. I can't really complain about today because it went like clockwork. There was very little drama except for a high-performance counseling session done remotely and one done in Shippensburg for a driver who couldn't seem to get the message. But by the end of the day, everything was clear, and everybody was out of the building on time.
Here is the last image from last weekend and my marathon creation session. I do not know if I will do this again this weekend coming up, but I offer you a toast.
I am hoping that this weekend will be a lot more interesting than the entries for the week. As has become usual, the past five days have been nothing but getting up, going to work, coming home, and sleeping. I'm honestly not sure how long I can do this. Thankfully, I did some severe artwork last weekend and could get something up each day. But aside from that, this week has been nothing. We shall see what the weekend brings.
...still a bit of work.
Yes, it is Saturday. But I still went through the week and ensured I did not miss anything important. Usually, one or two things will straggle, but I can think of nothing this week. Next week, on Monday, we get the executives from Chattanooga through Memphis. Five of them, from what I hear. They're going on a 5 or 6 terminal tour to look at things. I cannot help but wonder if it is a waste of money. But that is not my decision to make.
Welcome to a new week of interesting things from within the depths of my mind. Sometimes, you are alone in a crowd. Sometimes, a vast city can seem small. This is what it feels like.
Since we are near the end of the month of March and going into April, I will do the monthly update so I don't have to do it on the 1st of the month. I am in my new position with the company and I'm finding it difficult to adjust. Most of that is being caused by the computer system which has been written in such a way that it is highly difficult to get anything done in a timely fashion. I would have to say that I waste at least three hours a day just trying to figure out how to do something. Usually, I would put that off to my training and skills. However, I have a support system in place, and when I ask them the answer, they have the same problems that I do, and they have to figure things out. That wastes not only my time but theirs. The answer to this is to evaluate and rewrite the software to alleviate these problems. Unfortunately, the company does not put that much weight on wasted time. As they continue their efforts to cut costs, like any good company, they are overlooking this. I am not sure why they have such a blind spot in relation to this issue. I have brought it up to our visitors from out of town a few times, but it is like trying to herd cats. They do not want to hear it and will not do anything about it. So, it is better to remain silent. It is not my company.
On the personal side, I have been a walking mood swing for about two months. There is no coincidence that this coincides with the new job. And the best way to solve a problem is to 1st notice that the problem exists. I can counteract most negative moods through exercise, meditation, a routine, or hobbies. The daily drawing has been helping immensely. It allows me to take my inner feelings and express them outwardly. Another significant help has been my little garden. Since I moved it to my morning routine area, I find myself looking at it constantly. Today, I ordered a greenhouse that will go out back and expand my growing abilities. The wife had the fantastic idea of putting it on the porch and I will see how that works once it gets here.
The creative ventures were stalled for a while, but they are starting to come back with a vengeance, and I have a few ideas. A recent visit to a craft fair shows that people are putting a minimum amount of effort into highly-priced craft items. So, I started brainstorming things that I could make that would help my mental situation and create a viable product. The prominent place to start is jewelry because I have most of the tools and materials to make a few different things. However, one thing that might sell and be inexpensive to make is dream catchers. That is something I'm going to have to look into. As for my writing, that continues daily. I spend one hour a day working on different projects. Awakening is almost ready for publication, and I think I will self-publish and see where that takes me. If I can get it out there in the world and it has a following I might be able to pick up a mainstream publisher. I have to price out the self-publishing process now that it has changed since I did the last book.
Other than that, things are going well. I have the podcast off the ground, but I ran into a bit of snafu with the equipment. I'm working on a workaround as we speak until I can afford more high-quality materials. Before I can do that, I have to get an alternate income stream. I am looking into a few different things, and I will keep you posted.
...The new week looms.
The extent of work today was going over myself in my plans for the week, especially since we are going to have out-of-town visitors of the executive type tomorrow. I usually do not look forward to work on Sunday, but today that sentiment is double. So I concentrated on the personal stuff.
Again, I took advantage of the weekend downtime and did some artwork. I have another week's worth of images prepared, and most of them just need a little tweak here and there. I really need to get in and organize all this stuff. A lot of it is up on the website under images, but then again, a lot of it is not. The image for today is one of the places that I go when I meditate. It is a serene valley filled with nothing. Not a sound or a breeze to break my focus.
I had a significant urge to sit on my butt all day and do nothing at all. Thankfully that urge passed. Well, it either passed or was beaten into submission. I'm not exactly sure which. But I got off of my rear end and I got my laundry put away in the back porch cleaned. When I get my greenhouse, there is a good chance that it will go onto the porch. But that is still up in the air. Once I got that done I cooked a yummy fish dish, and I made some BBQ ribs for the family. I crossed off one of the tasks on my master to-do list, clearing out one of my entertainment directories, and then I dived into artwork. I did more than 50 applications across the recruiting sites, and I worked on another chapter of Awakening. With all of that out of the way, it was time to kill zombies and bugs, and then Laura got us a subscription to Metaquest Plus. That opens up a whole new avenue of things to play with. Unfortunately, I was very tired, and I went to bed early, hoping to get up nice and early in the morning. Spoiler: that did not happen.